- If the abuser is a Christian, he may take Scripture out of context or twist verses to justify his behavior. “The Bible says I am the head of the house and you have to submit to me.”
- Holds others to high expectations and loses his temper at the least sign of his expectations not being met.
- Tries to elicit the sympathy of others by manipulating the real circumstances of the abuse. “You should have been there to see her falling down the steps. She just couldn’t get her legs under her. It was hilarious wasn’t it honey?”
- Blames the victim, privately and publically shaming her. “If she had gotten a decent education she would have been able to answer that question.”
- Bends rules for themselves but not for others.
- Is rigid and legalistic but describes it as “old fashioned.”
- Usually dislikes women and believes they are incapable of possessing intellect and understanding.
- Generally jealous and possessive, quickly blaming the victim for anything that solicits attention from anyone. “You think I didn’t see how you acted? You made him think you were interested in him by being so nice.”
- Humiliates and belittles the victim, inventing things to make her think she is going crazy (such as hiding her keys and calling her stupid for losing them or turning the stove off if she is cooking then saying she can’t be trusted).
- Will not control his anger or emotional and sexual impulses.
- Portrays himself as an out-going and likable person to others. Goes out of his way to help other people but not her.
- Uses guilt to control the victim. “You would do this if you really loved me.”
- Very closed-mind, demanding.
- Believes in the stereotype masculine role of male supremacy.
- Controls the finances and other decisions.
- LiIsolates the spouse and/or children from others. Verbal abuse is common. “How could you do something so stupid?”
Another sign not mentioned above is intimidation. This is a common tool used to exercise power and control. Initially it may be small things like, “What did you do to your hair tonight? I don’t really like it that way.” Then it escalates to bigger things like, “You sure walk funny,” or “Why can’t you stand up straight?”
Unfortunately, intimidation can quickly lead to physical violence. A witty remark can lead to a physical strangle-hold catching the victim off guard – onlhy to be told later, “I was just kidding.”
Abusers can manipulate their way back into a broken heart by promising to change and flooding the victim with flowers, gifts and apologies. She wants so much to believe these are sincere, so she accepts them and the cycle begins again. Honeymoon stage, followed by intimidation, turning to violence. The more the cycle continues the harder it becomes to distinguish one cycle from another as the abuser continues his battering.